Worst Memories
by Will of the Abyss - AllenxRoad
Summary: Allen and the usual gang are assigned to a mission where the Akuma can show you your worst memories. What will happen to Allen as he remembers his life as Red and the horrors of the circus he worked in? No pairings, and rated for violence. Please Review!


**Disclaimer: I'm not the writer or publisher of D. Gray-man. That honor goes to the lovely Katsura Hoshino.**

* * *

"So where are we headed for this mission?" Lenalee asked Lavi, who was reading the mission folder. Allen looked away from the window to listen to the conversation.

"To a town called Soria in Spain."

"What's happening there?" Allen asked.

"There's a reported level three that's been roaming around that area, and we've been sent to destroy it. I don't think there's any innocence though." Lavi explained, skimming the last page.

"Are the finders alright?" Lenalee asked with a worried gleam in her eye.

"Who cares?" Kanda muttered, adding his two cents to the conversation. Lenalee slapped his arm, but Kanda didn't move.

"There haven't been any reported deaths, but some of the finders are pretty depressed over there. After making contact with the Akuma, they are shown their worst memories."

Lavi bit the inside of his lip, wondering what shape the finders were in. How bad were their memories? Would they be as bad as any of the exorcists'? Probably not. Lavi glanced at Lenalee. Her life was probably the worst of everyone's. As far as he knew, Allen had only lived with Cross for three years, which was hell itself, and Kanda had been tested on, which was pretty horrible, but neither of them seemed very affected by it. Kanda was too tough to let something like pain get to him, and Cross couldn't have been as Allen had made it sound. At least neither of the were taken from their home and only family and locked up for three years. Yes, Lenalee was the winner. Right?

"Are we close?"

"Don't worry Allen, the train will stop in an hour. You can get your dinner then." Lavi joked. Allen just rolled his eyes and went back to looking out the window. Now that he thought about it, he was pretty hungry.

* * *

**Later**

Allen burped as they left the restaurant. He quickly excused himself as Lavi and Lenalee laughed. Kanda walked behind them, ignoring their chattering. He was already in a bad mood since they didn't have any soba anywhere in this country.

"Where are the finders, Lavi? We should get this mission over with. I promised Johnny I'd play chess with him the moment I got back."

"They're supposed to be on the north side of the river at the edge of the forest." Allen sighed.

"Lavi, where _is_ the river and forest?"

"Umm, I think Komui put a map in here."

"Nii-san always does. It's usually in the back of the folder." After much digging, Lavi finally pulled out a map of Soria. A red marker marked the places the Akuma had been spotted and a green marker showed where the finder's camp was. A note was papercliped to the map, showing a list of coordinates.

"Follow me!" Lavi shouted.

"Che." Kanda walked past them, getting a quick glance of the map, and left them behind.

"I hope he knows where he's going." Lenalee commented. No one bothered to catch up with him.

Lavi looked one last time at the map and walked the same direction Kanda had.

"He went the right direction, at least." Before long, Kanda had completely left their sight, but Lavi followed his tracks, which unsurprisingly, went the right way. They eventually showed up at the camp, where they were greeted by three finders. Kanda was farther away, sitting on a large rock eating freshly-cooked soba. It turns out the finders were prepared.

"Hello master exorcists. Sir Kanda told us you were on your way. Are you hungry too?"

"No we just ate. Kanda just wanted to get his soba, since they didn't have any in town." The finders laughed, guiding them to the tents.

"My name's Michael. I'm the captain of the group. This is Andrew and Iris." Michael gestured to the man and women beside him.

"I love your name Iris." Lenalee complimented.

"It's common in my home town."

"Do you think there's any innocence nearby?" Lavi asked, cutting off the greetings.

"No, sir exorcist. There's been no strange activity, and there's only one Akuma here." said Andrew.

"Guys, I'm going to do a search around the area with my eye. I'll send Timcampy if I find it." Allen offered.

"Be careful, Moyashi-chan."

"It's Allen, Lavi. I was hoping you'd have learned that by know."

"Whatever Moyashi-chan!" Allen sighed and trudged away, giving up. Allen picked a random direction, and walked into the forest, pulling Timcampy out of his sleeve to fly beside him.

"You better remember the way back, Tim, or else I'll never get back." Tim bobbed his body, showing he understood. Allen looked around curiously at the dark forest. He activated his left eye and searched the 500 meter radius around him. Nothing. Picking another direction, Allen went back to walking. He didn't have much to think about. He was actually pretty bored. Eventually, his thoughts turned sour and Cross's debts invaded. He still had a ton to pay. It had almost been a year since he got away from Cross, but his debts haunted him. Cross sent each bill addressed to him. Each day, Allen would spiral into a bad mood at the sight of a bundle of envelopes and unpaid receipts. He hadn't been able to gamble recently, since he was busy at the order, and he was starting to get impatient letters from cheated people. Maybe he'd get a chance to go to a casino tonight if he finished this mission quickly.

Remembering the mission, Allen activated his eye to check his surroundings, since it had been a while. He wasn't expecting to sense a soul only ten meters away, directly in front of him. Allen immediately activated his innocence.

"Come out, Akuma!" Allen shouted, trying to get the attention of the level three. Timcampy, seeing Allen's innocence, flew off to alert the other three exorcists that Allen had found the target.

"Heh, a little exorcist has come to play?" A voice whispered from the shadows. Allen couldn't pinpoint the source of the sound, but he could plainly see the glowing soul from between the trees.

"May your soul find salvation." Allen murmured. He leaped forward, the direction of the Akuma, and shot the strands of Crown Clown out to try and wrap around the Akuma. He was surprised to see it move like lightning and easily dodge the white ribbons.

"No, little exorcist, this is my game." Suddenly, a bright dot shot out of the Akuma's finger and struck Allen's forehead. Allen instantly fell back, loosing consciousness. The Akuma chuckled and jumped in a tree.

"I will enjoy this game. Show me your memories, little exorcist."

* * *

**Allen**

Allen sat up and rubbed his forehead, remembering what had just happened. He'd been hit by the Akuma. Where was he know?

Allen was lying in the middle of a gravel path, surrounded by a crowd of people that was moving in one direction. Allen stood up and looked around. He gasped at the first thing he noticed. A large striped tent towered over everyone, and Allen recognized it immediately. It was the circus tent he'd worked in so often as a child. A feeling of dread washed over him. How was he here?

"_After making contact with the Akuma, they are showed their worst memories."_

If that's what was happening, it was going to be a long night. Allen couldn't single out a worst memory except the time he brought Mana back. Before then, everything was too painful to think about. He'd done so well at keeping it a secret too. Cross didn't even know anything about his past. Only that Mana found him in a circus, and that he traveled with Mana afterward.

Allen squeezed out of the crowd, but found that whatever he touched, he just went through. He walked past the entrance of the big tent, and went to the back where the performer's tents were set up. He might as well find himself. Observing the people scrambling around, running to get ready for the show, he felt nostalgic. He was always being sent on errands at the last minute, or people would kick him aside in their rush to get ready. Allen usually preferred to be hiding in the dining tent while people got ready because no one was in there during a show, but he often was caught trying to hide and forced to go clean something as punishment.

Unfortunately, Allen started to recognize this night. This was the night before he met Allen, the dog. It was also one of the worst nights of his life. Allen reluctantly looked for Cosimo's tent, knowing he'd find himself there. Before entering, Allen paused at the entrance, nervous. He really didn't want to go in. Something pushed him in when he hesitated, but he didn't see what. It was probably the Akuma, because the memories couldn't touch him.

Inside, a scruff man was holding a boy by the right arm, lifting him up for a wildly dressed man that was lazily sipping from a bottle too see. Allen shivered at the tension in the room. The man was shaking the arm violently, shouting that he had been found slacking off again. The drunken ringmaster, Cosimo, stared with hatred at the hanging auburn-haired boy.

"Go get ready John, I'll deal with him." John dropped the boy in the ground and stomped away hurriedly, muttering to himself. Meanwhile, the young one curled up into a ball and tried to hide his face from Cosimo.

"Red, you filthy nuisance. Didn't I tell you another slip up would be fatal? I didn't want to see your rotten face ever again in my tent." Red whimpered on the ground, trying to shrink.

"I will beat you until you're raw. You deserve it, Demon." Allen flinched at the word, remembering all the times he was called that. He was struggling to keep his composure while he watched the scene. The anticipation was horrible. He knew exactly what was going to happen.

Cosimo stood up from his chair, and walked over to Red, his boots thumping at each step. When he stopped, Red looked up and pleaded with his eyes. Cosimo growled and kicked his nose. When he removed his foot, blood was dripping down Red's face, but he kicked him again a second and third time. Red still hadn't cried out, and this obviously bothered Cosimo. Cosimo grabbed his bottle and chugged the last of it. Then he picked Red up by the hair and bashed the empty bottle against his head. Still, Red was quiet, even as the glass exploded against his head and cut his ear. Blood was dripping down his hair and falling to the ground, but this spurred Cosimo. Cosimo smashed Red's face in the ground, directly into the pile of glass. He put his boot on the back of his head and applied all his weight to his foot. Allen could hear the glass crunching beneath Red's face, and he fought the urge to gag. Despite being in a memory, Allen could smell the blood and the sounds of the glass grinding together was horrendous.

Cosimo finally stopped and kicked Red over with the tip of his boot. He bent down and grabbed the smallest shards of glass he could find, and shoved them in Red's mouth while he was gasping for breath. The Red breathed unintentionally and the shards were sucked into his throat. Red choked and rolled over, using his arms to support him as he spat out blood and pieces of glass. Allen felt a tear begin to form at the corner of his eye as he watched himself gag. And yet, Cosimo still wasn't done.

He bent down and picked up the longest shard and yanked Red back by the arm. Red fell on his back while Cosimo grabbed his left arm, and pulled off the glove. Without hesitation, he plunged the glass into Red's palm. The green cross on the back of his hand prevented the glass from going through completely. At this, Red screamed, struggling to reach his hand while still violently coughing up more blood and glass. Cosimo pulled the glass out and lifted Red's jacket sleeve, exposing the rest of the ugly red arm. He stabbed the top of the arm and used the edge to drag the glass all the way to Red's wrist, creating a long line. Allen grabbed his left arm, almost feeling the pain.

Cosimo waited a few seconds before standing up, leaving the glass in Red's arm.

"Be gone by the time I get back, Demon." Cosimo stepped on Red's bleeding hand, narrowly missing the glass sticking out of his wrist.

Allen growled when Cosimo passed by, but of course, Cosimo didn't hear. Allen took a step towards Red to examine the wounds, but suddenly, Allen felt himself become dizzy and everything became black. He waited for the darkness to pass and then suddenly found himself in a new location. He instantly recognized it. How could he not?

The first thing he saw was Red sitting on a wooden crate outside of the lion's tent watching four boys playing ball a few meters away. A hopeful look was decorating Red's features, but Allen couldn't share the happiness, since he knew what was going to happen. These boys were his first friends.

Allen wasn't the only one who noticed Red. The boys stopped their playing and talked to each other in a group quietly. Red was straining to hear, but he was also trying to look inconspicuous. When the boys separated, Red looked away, pretending to watch a women holding a bag of raw meat for the lion inside the tent Red was leaning against. The four boys walked over, unawares to Red, and looked curiously at the ragged boy.

"Excuse me?" Red jumped and looked at the boys that was surrounding him.

"What's your name?" Red looked nervous and confused, but he answered.

"Call me Red."

"Red? That's a cool name. I'm Jamie. Do you want to play kickball with us? We need another player to be on Jack's team."

"Um, I don't know how to play kickball."

"You don't? Well then, we will explain!" For the next hour, the boys explained kickball and started a game with Red, helping him get used to it. Red was grinning excitedly with his new friends, and enjoyed a whole day with them. When the sun started to go down, the boys explained they needed to go home, so everyone said their goodbyes. Jamie was the last one to say bye. He held out his left hand to shake hands with Red, and Red nervously brought his hand up, though it was hard since his arm was partially paralyzed. Luckily, Jamie didn't comment at his sluggishness.

"I'll come back tomorrow." He promised. Allen nodded and Jamie let go of his hand. But as he pulled away, he accidentally pulled the mitten off of Red's hand. Jamie bent over to pick it up, but he gasped when he noticed the red, cracked skin.

"He's a monster!" Allen could feel his heart shatter at those words. His first and only friends were now calling him a monster. The boys all began yelling at Red and pointing at his hand. Red backed away, but they followed, cornering him between a wooden crate and the wall of a tent. Suddenly, one of the boys picked up a rock, and threw it at Red's head. The other boys immediately followed suit and picked up the biggest rocks they could find to lug at Red's body. Red curled up into a ball, but the rocks still pelted him, forming welts on his head. This continued for a long time. Once the boys ran out of big enough rocks, they began kicking Red.

Allen thought they were over reacting. Why would they beat him up? They knew he was nice. They'd played with him all afternoon! That didn't seem to matter. The whole time they kicked and punched Red, they shouted names and curses, like Devil, Demon-child, Freak, Scaly, or Monster, which was the most repeated.

The sun had officially set when the boy's parents came over. At first, they yelled at their children, punishing them from their horrible behavior, but when they too saw Red's arm, they gasped and pulled their boys away, protecting them from the Monster curled up on the ground. A man left and brought back a knife and torch while everyone else stayed and verbally abused Red. They were all too scared to get near him, but if he even shifted, they'd yell at him until he went back to his fetal position.

The man walked over, holding the knife threateningly. Red tried to squirm away, but another man came and blocked his only other exit.

Red cowered as the knife was brought closer and closer to his arm. In a flash, the knife was plunged into his forearm. Red screamed at the pain, but the man brought the torch up to his face and singed the tips of Red's hair.

With a burst of energy, Red used his right hand to pull the knife out of his arm and squeeze between the grown men. He ran as fast as he could into the circus grounds, and found an empty tent to hide in. Red didn't leave until morning, when he was sure no one would attack him.

Allen felt angry at the dried blood on Red's arm. He didn't deserve it. He'd done nothing wrong. Allen had never done anything wrong!

These thoughts had barely finished when the blackness came again, transporting him to another place in his memories.

He awoke to find himself in a familiar house. He was in the guest bedroom of Mother and Baba's home. Why was he here?

Upon further inspection, he found Cross dozing in a chair with Timcampy on his head. Was this Allen's memory?

Allen walked closer to Cross and noticed the child sitting on the bed. He was shocked to see himself huddled up and staring blankly at nothing. His hair was white now, and his face was wrapped up in bandages. Allen suddenly remembered. This was right after he turned Mana into an Akuma. Allen felt his heart beat harder as he looked at his pitiful form. His eyes look bloodshot, and you could see his fingers clenching the white sleeve.

Allen suddenly remembered his thoughts. Over and over, all he could think was, "It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault..." Allen felt a wave emotion force him to the ground. He lifted his hand up and stared at the arm that killed Mana. He was reminded that everything was his fault. If he hadn't followed Allen the dog into Cosimo's tent that night and watched him get killed, he would have never met Mana, and Mana wouldn't have died. If Allen hadn't have stood in the road too long as a carriage was coming, Mana wouldn't have had to push him aside. If Allen hadn't been stupid enough to trust a stranger who promised to bring him back, he wouldn't have put Mana through the torture of being trapped in a metal body. Allen wouldn't have to watch every soul suffer because someone loved them too much to live without.

"It's my fault..." Allen whispered to himself.

His mask broke. Allen immediately began to cry. He didn't even deserve to be called Allen anymore. That was an undeserved gift from Mana. He'd be Red once again. He deserve any love from Mana. He killed him.

Allen didn't even notice when the scene changed again, but he snapped out of his anguish when he heard the Earl's voice.

"Do you want me to revive Mana Walker?" Allen slowly shook his head, but his younger self nodded.

"All you have to do is call his name and reclaim him from that treacherous God."

"No, don't. It doesn't work. Mana can't come back!" Allen shouted pointlessly. The tears fell freely, and Allen's face was twisted up into a grimace.

"MANA!" The young Allen shouted with all the breath in his body. Allen reached out to stop little Allen, but his hand passed through his shoulder. Allen looked over to see a lightning bolt strike a metal frame. The skeleton created by the earl twitched, and then stepped out of it's frame.

"M-Mana?"

"How dare you." Allen yelled and begged for Mana to be okay, but his memory betrayed him.

"How dare you turn me into an Akuma! Allen, how dare you!" Allen felt like Mana was talking to him instead of his younger self.

"I didn't know. I'm sorry Mana! Kill me! I deserve it!" Allen begged.

"I curse you! I curse you Allen Walker!" Allen watched as the skeleton sliced his left eye and his younger self fell down, desperately clutching his face.

"Mana?" The boy whispered. His jacket ripped open and little Allen's arm grew into a giant silver claw. Allen could now see Mana's soul hovering above the skeleton, since his younger self now could. He couldn't do anything as the claw struggled to drag young Allen forward and attack the newborn Akuma.

"RUN, FATHER, RUN!" Little Allen shouted. But Allen knew Mana wouldn't. Instead Allen was forced to kill him.

"Allen... please destroy me." The soul murmured, beckoning Allen to move. Without any control, the claw lifted and swiped it's sharp edges across the body of the skeleton, cutting it to pieces.

"Allen, I lo-"

"_Allen! Wake up!"_ Allen screamed as the scene faded just before he heard Mana's last words. The last thing he saw was Mana's peaceful face fade away into blackness.

* * *

**Lenalee**

Lavi was talking with Lenalee about the proper way to build a fire when Timcampy arrived.

"Find anything Moyashi-chan?" Lavi called. But Allen didn't answer. Instead, Tim fluttered in front of his face.

"Allen-kun's found the Akuma!" Lenalee and Lavi immediately activated their innocence, but Kanda was ahead of them. He was standing at the edge of the clearing, waiting for Timcampy to lead the way.

Tim raced away, barely giving time for the exorcists to keep up. Only Lenalee was right next to Tim, using her innocence to fly above the ground to go faster.

They were surprised to see how far Allen had walked. It didn't seem like he was gone all too long. Honestly, though they'd never admit it, they'd forgotten Allen had gone out. Lenalee felt absolutely despicable because she'd forgotten to worry about he friend. This was a level three, which was still easiest done with two or more people. She wasn't sure if Allen was strong enough to take on a level three by himself. Of course, she didn't doubt him. Allen had become stronger since the ark.

Tim suddenly stopped and Lenalee struggled to pause beside him.

"Where's Allen-kun?" Timcampy flew down to the ground and landed on something in the underbrush. Lenalee squinted and realized it was Allen.

"Allen-kun!" She rushed over to see Allen's forehead and left eye was bleeding. While she looked him over, Lavi and Kanda caught up.

"Where's the level three? Did Moyashi-chan beat it?" Lavi asked. Kanda looked up and growled. Without a warning, he jumped inhumanly high and landed on a tree branch.

"Hello exorcist. Would you like to play too? The little exorcist has been my favorite one yet, but you might be interesting too."

"What do you mean favorite one?" Lavi called.

"Oh look, another exorcist. Tonight is a very interesting night indeed. What I mean, is that this exorcist had wonderful memories. He's been through torture and attacks, he's been betrayed, he's killed someone he loved, everything if wonderfully entertaining! I haven't found a worse past yet!" The Akuma explained. "Even now, I'm observing his worst memory. I find it thrilling, and his reactions are certainly amusing." The Akuma chuckled as he watched something no one else could see. Kanda didn't wait any longer. He jumped with his sword at the ready, but the Akuma flew out of range. Kanda sent his hell's insects after the Akuma, but they weren't strong enough to defeat a level three on their own. Lenalee jumped into the air and kicked the Akuma's chest, but he barely moved from Lenalee's attack.

"Not good enough. I'm busy at the moment, so would you mind leaving until I finish the show? Then I'll move on to you."

"What are you doing to Allen-kun!?" Lenalee shouted, kicking him again in the chest, pushing him a few feet back.

"Have you not gathered my ability yet? I'm looking through all of this exorcist's worst memories. It gives me fuel to keep working, you might say. I find it amusing how humans will breakdown over a simple death." Lenalee yelled angrily and activated the next level of her innocence. Her emotions were helping her fight. At the same time, Kanda and Lavi attacked the level three, and Lenalee landed the finishing blow. The Akuma dissolved into a cloud of black dust as they destroyed it.

Lenalee immediately went back to Allen and shook his shoulders.

"Allen! Wake up!" Slowly, Allen 's eyes opened and he looked at Lenalee. Before she could say anything, a multitude of tears fell from Allen's eyes and he curled up on the ground, sobbing loudly.

"Allen-kun!" Lenalee shouted, surprised. When Allen didn't respond, she looked to Lavi and Kanda for help.

"Um, Allen-"

"My name's not Allen."

"Of course it is-"

"No, it never was. It's only a fake. My name is Red. I only deserve Red." Allen whispered the last part.

"Allen-kun, it's okay now, the level three's been defeated." Allen didn't respond. His whole body quivered under Lenalee's hand.

"What did you see?" Lavi asked. Allen shook his head, not answering. Instead he muttered something under his breath. When Lenalee picked up on what he was saying, she began to question him.

"What's your fault? Allen, nothing's your fault. The Akuma is destroyed and no one was killed." But Allen didn't stop. He whispered it like a chant, always staring at the ground, or occasionally his hand.

"Che. Tell the beansprout to hurry up." Kanda gave one last look at Allen, and walked off to go back to the camp. Lavi came over next to Lenalee to help Allen up.

"Allen, come on-"

"Don't touch me!" Allen yelled, pushing himself away. He held his arm close to his chest, and began whispering again.

"Don't hurt me. I didn't mean to hurt him, I just couldn't live without Mana." Lenalee looked at Lavi worriedly. They both recognized the name Mana. Lavi berated himself for forgetting. He vaguely remembered being told Allen brought back his foster father as an Akuma. Was that Mana?

"We won't hurt you Allen-kun. You didn't do anything wrong. Let us help you up."

"My name isn't Allen. Allen was killed! Mana buried him! He licked my hand..." Another flood of tears appeared, surprising the two exorcists.

"Of course you're Allen!" Lenalee tried to explain, but Allen shook his head.

"I don't have a name, but most people call me Red." Lavi pulled Lenalee's sleeve and leaned over to speak in her ear.

"He's delirious. What do you think he's talking about?"

"The Akuma shows you your worst memories, right? He must have seen something horrible."

"How bad could it have been?" Lenalee gave Lavi an angry look.

"Are you that insensitive? Allen-kun never told any of us his past. I thought you would've noticed he didn't live with Cross his whole life! What do you think happened before he was an exorcist?" Lavi hung his head, realizing he'd never given Allen much thought. Sure, he noticed there was a fake smile on Allen's face at all times, and he always insisted he was perfectly fine when he obviously wasn't, but he hardly gave Lavi a reason to worry.

"Then how do we help him if we don't know what's wrong?"

"I don't know! Allen won't listen to me." They glanced at the huddled figure on the ground.

"We need to bring him back to the order at least. We can't sit here for hours." Lavi commented. Suddenly, and idea came to his head, and he grimaced.

"Lenalee, don't think less of me. This is the only way to get Allen to come with us without fighting." Lenalee raised an eyebrow, but her jaw dropped when Lavi activated his innocence. He made it grow from it's thimble size to a mallet.

Allen looked up as Lavi began to get closer, holding up the hammer.

"No! Don't hurt me, I didn't do anything wrong to you! I'm not a demon! I promise!" Lavi hesitated at the pitiful words coming out of Allen's mouth. It hurt him to see his friend beg. Lenalee was sniffling in the background, but she knew Allen wouldn't calm down.

"Lavi, please." Allen whispered. Lavi bit his lip and reluctantly swung his hammer, hitting the side of Allen's head. Allen crumpled from the blow, and his pleading stopped.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry Allen-kun." Lenalee apologized, rushing forward to pick him up.

"Let's hurry." Lavi said while deactivating his innocence.

* * *

**Allen**

Allen didn't welcome the blackness that came after Lavi's blow. He was terrified of what he'd see if he closed his eyes.

He was thrown into a twisted dream where he was a child again. He was running past colorful tents that were completely empty. Somehow, he knew someone was chasing him. He peeked behind him to see all his friends from the Black order chasing. Lenalee and Lavi were in front, snarling at him, and behind was the science division, all throwing him hateful looks. Allen turned back around and ran as fast as he could.

He was surprised to see his left arm was exposed for everyone to see. That must have been why they were chasing him. Allen grabbed his arm with his right, and was horrified to see blood covering every bit of his arm. How did that get there?

Allen ran out of the camp and went to the only place he could think to go. The moment he ran past the gate into a familiar graveyard, the crowd chasing him disappeared. But Allen didn't stop running. He felt some sort of pull, guiding him to a grave in the center of the graveyard.

As Allen got closer and closer to a certain dead tree, he felt his stomach flip. Waiting for him, was Mana's grave and company. Standing on top of the grave was the Earl, who was grinning madly. Next to him was a metal frame, supporting a gray skeleton.

"Hello, Red. Someone's been waiting for you! He still needs a skin." The Earl greeted. Allen looked fearfully at the skeleton that was now jerkily walking to him.

"Mana?"

"How dare you?" The skeleton replied. Allen stumbled back, but he found he couldn't run away. The Earl's gaze was locking him in place, and Allen couldn't find the strength in his legs to move.

"How dare you turn me into an Akuma!" Allen whimpered, trying to deny it.

"I-I didn't mean to. I didn't know Mana!"

"I curse you!" Allen screamed as he felt the pain of Mana slashing his face. The cut burned like someone had mashed a lit cigarette in his eye.

Suddenly, Allen woke up to find himself in a bed, still screaming. His voice quieted as he looked around. He realized he was in the medical center of the Black Order. Allen froze when he remembered his dream. The order hated him. He'd done something horrible. How else could he have had all that blood on his arm in his dream?

Three people burst into the room with panicked expressions. They all locked onto Allen and rushed to his bed side. Allen pulled the blanket up to his mouth, trying to hide as well as he could. They were here to torture him. They'd seen his arm. They probably all thought it was horrible and disgusting to look at. They'd finally got tired of Allen.

"Don't kill me." Allen whimpered. Komui gasped and looked at Lenalee and Lavi, who was staring sympathetically.

"This is what he was like when we found him." Lavi explained. Allen cringed at Lavi's voice, remembering Lavi had hit him. He was too scared to ask Lavi to leave him alone, because then he'd only get hit again.

"Allen, please calm down, we're not going to hurt you." Komui tried to say.

"That what everyone says. I know you hate me too."

"We don't hate you, Allen-kun!" Lenalee shouted, frustrated. She calmed down when Allen flinched at her outburst.

"What do we do, nii-san? I don't know why he doesn't trust us. You saw his past through Tim, right?" Lenalee asked, remembering when Allen first came.

"They were only the times he was with Cross. I don't know anything before that." Komui shook his head regretfully.

"I wish Cross were here." Lenalee commented. Komui looked up.

"He is. He just returned from a meeting at the Oceanic Branch." Lenalee lit up.

"Where is he?"

"Probably in his room." Lenalee dashed out of the room, leaving her brother and Lavi alone with Allen. Allen was shivering under the blanket, trying to keep an eye on both of them. Secretly, Allen felt glad Cross was coming. Cross had never betrayed him, even though he was a jerk. Cross was the only person that would ever consider taking him in after Mana's death. Hopefully, he'd take Allen away from everyone who wanted to hurt him.

Cross, in his own way, was kind. Anytime they came to a town with a circus, Cross wouldn't push Allen to stay there if he didn't want to. He helped Allen keep his arm hidden, though that was probably because he didn't want Allen scaring off the ladies he brought to his bedroom each night.

Allen almost sighed when Lenalee entered the room ten minutes later, dragging a reluctant Cross behind her.

"What? I had a rather important meeting with Kloud."

"I'm afraid you're busy tonight, General." Komui called. Cross looked over and took in the scene. He first saw the people standing around a bed, and then he saw the white-haired boy curled up under the covers looking distrustfully at everyone else. He sighed and pulled a cigarette out of his coat.

"What happened?" He asked with annoyance. Every one looked at Lavi to explain.

"We went on a mission to fight a level three Akuma earlier this night. This level three has the ability to look into your mind and replay your worst memories, and so many finders were being affe-"

"I get it now. My little apprentice saw his worst memories. I guess that makes sense. Most people would end up worse." Cross shook his head. "So what am I supposed to do about it?"

"He doesn't trust anyone. He thinks we're all going to hurt him." Lenalee explained.

"And?"

"We were hoping you could help." Komui finished. A tick mark appeared on Cross's forehead and he looked angrily at Komui.

"You want me to feed him, and like a women, blow "fu, fu" and say, "Ah-um"? Is that what you're saying?" Cross growled. Komui gave him a confused look and shook his head.

"Good, because I've done that one time too many" Cross muttered. "Listen up, idiot apprentice, this isn't going to be like last time, got it? The time you're going to the bathroom and changing your clothes yourself. I won't be feeding you, so you have to eat on your own. I'm not waiting a whole week for you to get over yourself." Lenalee looked at Lavi, who shrugged.

"So, what do we do?" Lenalee asked.

"Leave." Lenalee opened her mouth to question, but a look from Komui silenced her. They silently left the room, taking Cross's advice.

"Master-"Allen started after everyone left the room.

"What?"

"I'm not Allen am I? I shouldn't be called Allen." Cross puffed a cloud of smoke at the air.

"That's your name, idiot."

"But I don't deserve it. Mana gave it to me."

"It's a present, so you have to keep it." Cross reasoned.

"But I shouldn't have gotten the present in the first place."

"Too bad, you don't get to pick your presents." Allen went silent at this. After a while, he spoke up.

"Why does everyone want to hurt me?"

"What are you talking about now?"

"I can see their disgust. I didn't do anything wrong to them, but they're obviously angry at me for some reason."

"No they're not. They are worrying over you."

"So I'm in their way?"

"No, you are their friend, and they want you to trust them."

"How can I?"

"You did before."

"Blindly. Someday they will turn out like everyone else."

"Then who's to say I won't? You can't go around trusting no one because they _might_ betray you. Stop hiding from everyone. I thought Mana had gone through this with you." Allen stiffened at Mana's name, but eventually he sighed.

"Fine."

"Your back to normal, idiot apprentice?"

"I guess so."

"Good. I sure as hell am not going to babysit you until you get over your problems. That would waste too much time. I'm going to go get a drink. Don't forget, there's a bill due in four days. You need to pay a couple hundred this time."

"What is this for?"

"The late fee on that hotel I stayed at a couple months ago in Thailand." Allen groaned and fell back on the bed.

"Pay your own bills."

"Get a life."

"Is that the best you can come up with? I really don't want to hear that from you." Cross smirked and walked out of the medical center. The moment he left, Lavi and Lenalee rushed in.

"Allen-kun?"

"Yeah?" He asked timidly.

"Are you okay?"

"I suppose so."

"What did you see?" Lavi asked. "What was your worst memory?" A sad smile came to Allen's face and he snorted.

"Just this time I was attacked by a bunch of Cross's debt sharks. Rather pathetic actually." Lavi and Lenalee frowned. It was an obvious lie.

"Come on, Moyashi, tell us the truth."

"My name is Allen."

"I'm glad that's back to normal." Lavi muttered. Allen's face darkened at Lavi's words, but he didn't let it reach his smile.

"I am telling the truth. I think you sorely underestimate how horrible it is to beaten close to death by a bunch of strangers as a kid." Allen joked.

"Allen-kun. Please." Lenalee asked seriously.

"What?"

"Allen, we know your lying. You're not doing very good at covering up. Please tell us what you saw. You always lock everyone out."

"I have my reasons. You don't need to worry."

"But I want to worry!" Lenalee shouted. Allen flinched as she raised her voice, but he kept his face under the same smile.

"Your brother deserves your worry more over me. You shouldn't pay any attention to me." Lenalee clenched her teeth and closed her eyes, reminding herself Allen had been a sobbing mess only a little while ago.

"You're my friend, Allen. I will always worry about you, just like I worry about Lavi, and Reever, and Johnny, and even Kanda. We won't interrupt, just start from the beginning." Allen didn't respond for almost a whole minute. Lenalee had shifted her weight three times, and Lavi was fiddling with his belt.

"Before I was an exorcist I worked in a circus..."

* * *

**The End.**

**This idea came to me in the middle of writing a chapter for another story, and I had to stop and immediately start before it went away. It turned out as a rather large one-shot, but I enjoyed making Allen suffer. I'm terrible, I know, but the angsty stuff is adorable. :D**

**Please Review so I know how good/bad this was!**

**Abyss-chan out~!**


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